Supporting a Loved One During the Coming Out Process

This blog specifically addresses those who are on the receiving end of a loved one coming out as non-heterosexual. 

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In a society where heteronormativity is often considered the standard, individuals who identify outside of this norm may feel the need to “come out” and declare themselves as different. As liberating as this may be for some, for many, it’s also paired or replaced with a deep fear of rejection. . Being open about one's sexual or gender identity can be an emotionally taxing experience, full of stress, vulnerability, and pressure. However, research shows that coming out often leads to improved self-esteem, emotional relief, lower anxiety, and greater life satisfaction (Pistella et al., 2016).

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For many people, supporting a loved one through their coming out journey can be challenging, which is often due to a lack of experience or knowledge regarding non-heterosexual orientations. The process can also vary significantly based on factors like age, gender, religion, and culture.  As a person supporting a loved one on their coming out journey, it’s important to remember that the person coming out is expressing something highly vulnerable to us, and this must be treated with care and compassion, as well as acceptance of who they are. 

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When someone comes out to you, it is natural to feel emotions such as shock or surprise. In more conservative cultures, feelings of anger, embarrassment, or shame may arise. These emotions are often influenced by cultural or religious values that oppose LGBTQIA+ identities. However, it is important to recognize that it is possible to experience these emotions and still respond with love, appreciation, and support for the courage it took for your loved one to confide in you.

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Many non-heterosexual individuals are already aware of the potential risks and discrimination they may face when being open about their identity. Therefore, it is crucial to reassure them of your ongoing support. If family and friends respond with rejection of their loved one during the coming out process, it can have a lasting negative impact on the mental health of the person coming out. Experiences of rejection can also lead to issues like depression, loneliness, shame, guilt, and anxiety (Baiocco et al., 2015).

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If you find yourself struggling with your loved one’s LGBTQIA+ identity, it can often be helpful to seek counselling to explore and understand your emotions better. Educating yourself through books, movies, or articles on non-heterosexual orientations can also be helpful while you support your loved one on this journey. 

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Book Suggestions

Love, Ellen: A Mother/Daughter Journey by Betty DeGeneres

Straight Parents, Gay Children: Keeping Families Together by Robert Berstein

When I Knew by Robert Trachtenberg

For Colored Boys Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Not Enough by Keith Boykin

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Movie Suggestions

Boy Erased (2018)

Moonlight (2016)

Love, Simon (2018)

Milk (2008)

Brokeback Mountain (2005)

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‍Author's note: The content in this article is for educational purposes only. Please speak with a healthcare provider to obtain appropriate recommendations for any mental health concerns.

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References

Baiocco, R., Fontanesi, L., Santamaria, F., Ioverno, S., Marasco, B., Baumgartner, E., Willoughby, B., & Laghi, F. (2015). Negative Parental Responses to Coming Out and Family Functioning in a Sample of Lesbian and Gay Young Adults. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 24(5), 1490–1500. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-014-9954-z

Pistella, J., Salvati, M., Ioverno, S., Laghi, F., & Baiocco, R. (2016). Coming-Out to Family Members and Internalized Sexual Stigma in Bisexual, Lesbian and Gay People. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 25(12), 3694–3701. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-016-0528-0