People-Pleasing: Its Impact and How to Manage It

Do you have a difficult time saying no to others, fearing their reaction and how they would feel about you if you did? Even if you don’t want to do something, are you constantly going out of your way and putting your needs aside in the process to make others happy? Falling into the trap of people-pleasing is a common experience and you are not alone. Common motivations for engaging in people-pleasing behaviour include wanting to be perceived positively, a desire to fit in, and an underlying need to avoid conflict. While seemingly harmless, engaging in people-pleasing behaviours and minimizing your own needs has negative consequences for you. Resentment builds, relationships become weakened over time due to a lack of transparency, you slowly start to lose your sense of identity and individuality, and burnout becomes inevitable. 

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Where does this underlying desire to assuage others’ needs at the expense of our own originate? There are several likely causes or influences on people-pleasing, including but not limited to insecurity or low self-esteem; past experiences whereby you were praised for putting others’ needs above your own or recognized a pattern whereby people-pleasing helped in avoiding conflict; and a desire to achieve perfectionism that spills over into your relationships. Trauma can also be an origin for people-pleasing behaviours, creating beliefs that you are only valued by how much you give to others (Mosunic, 2023). 

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What are some ways that you can begin to change this people-pleasing tendency? Firstly, it is important to recognize the habits you engage in which undermine yourself. From there, it may be difficult to make big changes right off the bat, and that is okay. You can start by making small changes, like saying no to requests that you don’t want to engage in, recognizing and acknowledging the discomfort that might come from making these important changes, and being intentional in prioritizing your own needs. Say no when necessary. Take time to rediscover what is lacking in your life, such as an enjoyable hobby or pastime that you may have felt the need to pass on previously. Schedule regular time for yourself to engage in these enjoyable activities and treat this time as a non-negotiable, as you would an appointment, for example. Take the time to be intentional in fulfilling your own needs and desires and notice how this feels for you. 

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Breaking people-pleasing tendencies will not be an overnight process. With awareness, practice, and intentionality, however, you can start making small changes towards balancing your needs with the needs of others. For trauma-related people-pleasing, professional support is a great place to start to understand how your past has shaped your current thoughts and behaviours in this realm and work on strategies to cope and heal from these experiences. By learning to value your needs, you can work towards breaking this unhealthy cycle and show up as your most authentic self.

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‍Author's note: The content in this article is for educational purposes only. Please speak with a healthcare provider to obtain appropriate recommendations for any mental health concerns.

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Reference:

Mosunic, C. (2023). Learn how to stop being a people pleaser with these 10 tips. Calm. https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser

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