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How Avoidant Attachment Develops and Influences Relationships
By Vanessa Williams, RP (Qualifying)
Attachment describes the emotional bonds we form with another person1. The bonds we forge with caregivers in our formative years pave the way for how we intimately connect with or show up in our adult relationships. When we have caregivers who consistently show up and demonstrate emotional responsiveness, we form a secure attachment, viewing ourselves and close others more positively. When caregivers consistently show up and respond to the infant’s needs, the infant learns they are dependable and can feel safe and secure as a result1.
However, insecure attachments can develop if our needs are not consistently met by caregivers, especially if they are inattentive or completely unavailable during times of distress2. This sends the message that we cannot rely upon the caregiver to fulfill our needs and this may cause us to internalize such unresponsiveness as indicating that we are unworthy or unlovable2. One way insecure attachment shows up is as an avoidant attachment pattern in intimate relationships.
Avoidant attachment is displayed through a fear of intimacy, excessive independence, and withdrawal in intimate relationships. They feel they don’t need others, and the more someone tries to get close to them, the more they withdraw, accusing them of being needy3. Those with an avoidant attachment dismiss the importance of intimate relationships and avoid this level of closeness often as a means of self-protection4.
The development of this attachment style stems from emotional rejection or neglect experienced in childhood by primary caregivers4. When emotional responsiveness to the child is not shown, they learn to disregard their own emotions and needs and struggle with them alone5. Emotional closeness brings with it stability; it allows us to feel safe and valued by our loved ones, like we have someone to rely on6. Because their emotional needs were not being met by their primary caregivers, avoidants can feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed when someone wants to be emotionally vulnerable and intimate with them. This stems from a fear that their reciprocated intimacy will be met with rejection, as they have learned from their caregivers since their formative years that people cannot be relied on4,6.
Becoming informed on your attachment style can help you to become more aware of how you relate to others and can help you to work towards becoming more secure in your relationships. Speaking with a therapist can help you to understand your past emotional experiences and collaboratively develop strategies to improve your communication skills and boost your emotional intelligence3. Healing an avoidant attachment involves disputing unconscious fears surrounding their hesitancy with emotional connection and the potential for rejection as a result. Because at the end of the day, we have an innate, hardwired desire for connection3, 7; therefore, learning how to appropriately connect with and relate to close others is an invaluable undertaking.
Author's note: The content in this article is for educational purposes only. Please speak with a healthcare provider to obtain appropriate recommendations for any mental health concerns.
References
1Cherry, K. (2023, February 22). What is attachment theory? VeryWellMind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337
2Dagan, O., Groh, A.M., Madigan, S., & Bernard, K. (2021). A lifespan development theory of insecure attachment and internalizing symptoms: Integrating meta-analytic evidence via a testable evolutionary mis/match hypothesis. Brain Sciences, 11(9), 1226. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci11091226
3Robinson, L., Segal, J., & Jaffe, J. (2024). Attachment styles and how they affect adult relationships. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm
4Drescher, A. (2024, January 23). Avoidant attachment style: Causes, signs, triggers & how to heal. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html
5Brennan, D. (2023, April 7). What is avoidant attachment? WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-avoidant-attachment
6Avoidant attachment style: Causes & symptoms. (2024, April 14). The Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/
7Martino, J., Pegg, J., & Frates, E.P. (2017). The connection prescription: Using the power of social interactions and the deep desire for connectedness to empower health and wellness. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, 11(6), 466-475. https://doi.org/10.1177/1559827615608788
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